To say I’m disappointed is an understatement. In the last 3 days I lost 10 blog subscribers. 10. For a fledgling blogger with a very small following this felt absolutely devastating. For a brief moment I went into full on dramatic panic mode…what if this was the real message from above? A giant, blinking neon sign from the universe screaming “you’re wasting yours and everyone else’s time with these pathetic attempts at writing. Just quit before you humiliate yourself any further.”
Then, in a surprising moment of clarity I came back to my words of the year: trust and curiosity. This year I’ve committed to trusting myself and staying curious. Not curious as in I want to know why these people unsubscribed (although I briefly went to that place) but a deeper curiosity about myself. I’m talking about the kind of gentle curiosity that turns shame and self blame (what did you do? what were you thinking?) into “what if?”
What if I don’t get caught up in the numbers?
What if I don’t let this eat away at my confidence?
What if I trust this is part of the process?
What if I refuse to give up?
What if I change the script running through my head?
What if I accept that these people weren’t meant to hear what I have to say right now?
What if I use this to remember why I started blogging in the first place?
What if I stay true to my own voice even if people don’t like it?
Staying curious brings me to a place of genuine desire to learn from the vulnerability that crops up when faced with risk, failure, and unfamiliar territory.
What if…it feel so much kinder than blame and shame. But the whole thing still sucks and it’s okay to feel a little sad when things don’t go as you envisioned. So I’ll go drown my sorrows in coffee and homemade blueberry muffins with the promise of copious amounts of wine tonight. Then I’ll shake it off, stay curious, and keep on writing.