Does anybody else get angry? Not the quick episodic anger of a single moment but that deep, adrenaline soaked, trembling hands style rage that makes you go just a little numb? I look all over social media and no one seems angry. They seem okay and I wonder if maybe I’m the last angry person left standing among the adorable outings and cute pictures. I can’t be, right? So where is it? Are we all just politely skirting around the our collective anger, not wanting to offend or make anyone uncomfortable? I’m guessing yes because I myself have taken too long to say it;
Hi. I’m angry. I don’t want to admit how goddamn angry I am sometimes so I post all the cute, happy stuff but I’m here to admit it. I get really angry sometimes and today I am furious.
I’m not angry for any particular reason. In fact, my day started out great but I’ve gotten angrier and angrier as it’s progressed. This kind of unprovoked snowball is almost worse because it could have been a lovely day and now I’m angry that I let my anger ruin everything. Yes, my anger at my anger makes me angry. Welcome to my vicious cycle.
I’m not viciously angry, more a low-key angry, like dipping your finger in hot candle wax over and over; it hurts but you can’t stop doing it because…actually, I don’t know why. Amusement? Boredom? It looks cool? So not the best analogy, but it I’m rolling with it. The wax builds up layer by layer until you can pop it off in a little Glade scented cup that you can squish around and look at the whorls of your fingerprints and SERIOUSLY PEOPLE STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT! I’m telling you, if you’ve never done this before you’re missing out. Highly entertaining.
Like the wax, the anger keeps building layer upon layer. The whining makes me angry. The prodding to do anything makes me angry. The mess, the unfinished projects I now have to stare at every single day without escape, the cups of milk left half full, the missing remote…it all makes me angry. The fact that I’m going to miss having my kids here some day so I feel like I’m not being sufficiently appreciative makes me angry. I’m angry at my own privilege and all the many ways I fail to check my privilege or work to use my privilege to help others. I’m angry for myself. I’m angry for my children. I’m angry for my country. I’m angry for the world. I’m angry because I feel helpless. Most of all, I’m angry at my own inconsequential anger. I’m not being asked to do the impossible. I am neither a front line worker nor an essential worker. My only task is to stay in and keep myself and my family safe. I have no rational reason to be angry.
Yet anger isn’t rational. Anger makes no sense and it is still valid. I am angry today and that’s okay. If you are angry, it’s okay. You are valid. And you are not alone.